Teacher's feedback:
Generally, your group has answered all the "Wh" questions except for "who".
It is unclear to the reader who do "we" stand for.
Your group has also used the right tense for this recount. That's good!
The setting is also appropriate for the follow-up events that includes making a camp fire.
It is logical that you can probably do it when your parents are not around.
Teacher's feedback:
Seems like your group has finished on the introduction and moved on to the body.
However, let me just comment on the introduction here.
Like the Green group, it is unclear in your write-up on the "who".
As for the rest of the "wh" questions, they are rather disconnected
though they are somewhere in the paragraph. This affects the flow of the recount.
Try to take a look at your friends' work and see how the sentences are interconnected, supporting each other to allow a better flow of the story.
Teacher's feedback:
I like the way how your group has started the paragraph. It is simple but clear.
However, I would like to remind you on the context of the recount.
It is a first person recount where you are part of the story.
However, your group's writing takes on a third person perspective.
It is out of point.
You might want to look at what your friends have worked on and revise your own work.
Teacher's feedback:
Your group has a good starting sentence.
I like the way how your group has answered the 3 "wh" questions
within a single sentence. I am just wondering if the last two sentences
could be joined as one using conjunction "and". Ending the introduction with
all of you feeling bored allows a smooth transition to paragraph two (body) when
one of you came up with an idea to kill the boredom.
However, do try to give names to your siblings. Like most of the groups, try to characterise the "who".
Teacher's feedback:
I like the way how you have linked your boredom to the uninteresting television programmes.
It is good! You also have a good starting sentence.
However, it is unclear to the readers who "we" are in your write-up.
It will also be good if you can state where the setting is as well.
Try to use a few linking words if possible to allow your story to flow better.
Currently, I personally find them a little disconnected.
Refer to your friends' writings for ideas.
Teacher's feedback:
Generally, your group has not defined who the characters are. It will be good to provide more information about them such as their names. It is unclear to me if the boredom was due to the fact that all of you were not allowed to go out or if it had something to do with television programmes.
What do you think?
